Ray Jorden: Benidorm Ep. 4 As It Happened

by Ray Jorden

Got my holiday teeth, tits and tan on, voddie cocktail in hand and time to check in to the Solana for this week’s Benidorm….(now where did I put my boob tube to wear at Neptune’s later)

So we see the moaning groaning showbiz mother Sheron having breakfast with hubby Billy and gross father in law Eddie. Talking of Eddie picking his arse at the table complaining his shorts are riding up his crack, talking of crack I am thrilled Billy has gone to get some black sausage as it has really put a great imagine in my mind, but I digress.

In Blow ‘n’ Go my Liam is taking to Jacqueline, there is something about Liam I just want to mother. He is so angry bless him at Kenneth calling him a dirty pig by the way he lives in their apartment, little did he know Kenneth was standing behind him, Liam said there was more hair in the plug hole than he’s ever seen, just as long as there is no hairy soap #yuck. Jacqueline informs Liam that Donald was a smooth as an eel with no hair, something about that sounds so wrong but comedy gold, how you are missed dear Donald.

Kenneth explodes in the salon (and probably not the first time if you know what I mean) huge fall out with my Liam, resulting in telling him he has a week to find a new place to live… Don’t worry Liam love, always room in my king size for you!!

I have to say Billy played by the super sexy Steve Edge, you are certainly rocking those blue Hawaiian shorts tonight and looking hotter around the pool!!

We welcome back Troy to the Solana, been a while but love to see you, but why is he back!! Well he has rumbled Kenneth’s dirty secret or has he? Time for confessions I think.

So Kenneth seems to be having one of those days from hell, well we all get them but not at the luxury of having them in Benidorm #shithappens he thinks the world is against him right now, and he’s probably right of course.

I have to admit I love Lesley, always sparkling with a smile, but she could do with her wig having a vacuum, it’s looking a little heat frazzled loved, but you make the best of it and wear it well #loveyou

Is it me and how my mind works, that by saying the name Tyger Dyke makes me have a secret chuckle, mind of a teenager body of an old man me! Joey needs to follow my advice for Lesley and go get his frow did, it’s really looking out of control girl!

Loving the war between Mateo and rep Sam, make my words her scams will be found out and there will be tears, but who’s tears will they be! Mateo is on a mission to find out.

It turns out that Joey is a maths genuine …..who knew!!

Meanwhile back in the salon Troy is talking to Liam and Jaqueline about Kenneth and finding out all his scams, most of which he has seen on CCTV but misinterpreted them completely. I adore Jacqueline and her confession that she and Donald always had a live webcam on, now that really doesn’t surprise me at all the dirty bitch. #slut

Billy is plotting a date night with Sheron, by using Nana Chase’s hotel room at the very posh Beltoro, this can only end in disaster or Billy’s dream of a good shag!

Is this a developing romance between Eddie and Jacqueline? After all he loves a good scrubber!

I have to say readers that I need to get to Benidorm, it’s all about sex over there (booking my ticket as we speak)

My love for Joyce Temple Savage is endless, her look is that of someone chewing a wasp….I want this look.

Troy if your reading this love, I think you need to employ Kenneth’s younger brother in the salon, also know as David “ITV 2’s Ibiza Weekender” what he can’t do hair while performing a slut drop is second to none!

Kenneth and his colorful t-shirts are a plenty, loving tonight’s “Mrs Daley” logo.

So has Mateo finally rumbled Sam the rep and her scams by double booking rooms and pocketing the cash….or has she?

Show creator Derren Litten, if your also reading please can I be Troy’s new husband please??

And we are back in the hotel room with Billy and Sheron discussing their date night when Billy says to Sheron that he hopes she is wearing knickers under her short mutton dressed up as lamb outfit… that has put me right off my salt beef sandwich!

Poor Poor young Rob trying to use his pulling powers to try and get laid, maybe give up son its easier pulling yourself.


Back at the Beltoro Hotel, Sheron is in the bar and orders a glass of cava, dressed like hooker in a bacofoil dress with his cooter on show, is clearly class in her eyes and champagne would never do!!!

By george it’s George Shelley, ex union J pop star dressed as one of the village people and storyline friend of Rob’s, sadly this doesn’t work for me in his fleeting role in the show, sorry George.

Yippeeee it’s back to Neptunes for a screaming orgasam while watching a very ropey Cher lookalike on stage, my she has some big thighs spilling out of her outfit, again that reminds me I must get some chops out of tea tomorrow.

Mateo confronts Sam about her scam and threatens to tell Joyce unless she gives him a cut of the money, well this backfires as Sam informs him that she can’t as Joyce is taking a cut (complete big lie of course to get out of a situation and quick thinking Sam) Now Mateo thinks Joyce is as bent as they come, comedy cross wires at its best.

A very sad faced Kenneth minces in to Neptune’s eating humble pie and apologizes to Liam, Troy and Jaqueline over cocktails, and of course its forgiveness all round and all happy campers again.

Sheron and Billy head for an early night leaving kaftan wearer Eddie on his own sulking with his larger, they stop off at Rob’s room to see if he having a gay liaison as they suspect he might be gay, little did they think they would see their son in bed with two men! Don’t panic it’s only friends Tyger and Joey, who Rob said could crash in his room for the night as their room was being used by non resident guests due to Sam’s room scam. This storyline is going to unfold nicely.


Well I am off the get another drink from the bar and think as it’s been a while I could murder a screaming orgasam and maybe some fun and frolics too, that’s all from me and see you cool cats later

See Ya!

Ray xx
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